7 Things I Would Like to Say to the People In Caribou Coffee Currently:

1. Everyone: Do not under any circumstances give a "taxi cab" driver a dirty look when in chicago. Even if they do almost hit you. Cab cars look a lot like cop cars in this city. 

2. Couple A Few Tables Away: Unless you're planning to propose in two seconds, please do not make googly eyes with your significant other. There's some of us who would rather not be witness to your vom-worthy PDA. 

3. Guy Sitting Two Tables From Me: shoes that have individual toe holes will never be in fashion. but I'm impressed you found such distinctive footwear.

4. Large Man Making Your Way Into The Coffee House's Facilities: don't stare at the girl sitting at the table near the bathroom door as you go in the bathroom. It's creepy. 

5. Caribou Coffee: Please keep playing George Michael. It's making my day. 

6. Guy who just left: Passing gas and then walking away is like a hit and run. Completely unacceptable. 

7. Me: Go take a shower. You look like a homeless. 

- I Am Haley, A Wise City Virgin